Trick with a Knife

Wanna Be A Writer? Get a Gun.

Feb 25

katiemooreguns, humor, writing guns, humor, writing 5 Comments

Yes, you read that right. Get a gun. A go-bang-make-’em-dead gun. But don’t just get a gun, get some bullets too. Learn the anatomy of your gun. Hold it. Load it. Buy it a safe, this will be it’s home. Give it a name. Fire it.

I recommend going to a shooting range for that last part.

Other good places to fire your gun, not at people: your backyard (if you have no neighbors), the desert, the Ozarks, while hunting rabbit…mmm, rabbit. Good times to fire your gun, at people: a revolution, a home invasion, before being raped, copyright infringement.

Wait, No…Get a lawyer for that last one, not a gun.

So, why should some liberal, sensitive, word-worshiping writer get a gun?

Because, face it, we lose muscle mass with every new written accomplishment. Look at each publication credit as an indication that you now have less chance of overpowering an attacker. Congratulations.

I know you don’t like to dwell on it, but you could be on the cusp of a brutal attack…in your home, at Starbucks on the wifi, walking down the street lost in your next novel idea. Where is your gun? You don’t have one? I guess you could hope your pencils are sharp enough to be considered weaponry, but if you get shot…you’ll wish you listened.

I tried to tell you.

Also, if you haven’t fired a gun, you cannot write about firing a gun. You might try, but you shouldn’t. Any editor who has fired a gun will know you’re faking it. This rule should also be applied to lesbian sex, bank robberies, abortions, and many topics of so much dreadfully enthusiastic poser prose.

I know you want to write about firing a gun. So, get a gun.

Then, of course, there’s general preparedness. When “the shit” goes down… I don’t really know what “the shit” will be, but I want to shoot it when it goes down. You will, too.

Of course, a gun owner must be very careful. Your gun must be handled safely, stored safely, and used only in safe locations, or to kill someone who would otherwise kill you. If you die, who will write your novel?

( A note about killing your potential murderer: Shoot to kill or…you know, just die. You probably won’t be a very good shot, so aim for the chest and if you’re lucky you’ll maim the fucker.)

A writer, being naturally creative, must be extra careful to avoid the more “creative” applications of gun ownership.

Things You, A Writer, Should Not Do With A Gun:

1. Shoot your wife, mistress, mother, gay lover, editors, teachers, priest, doctor, insurance agent, employer, editors, father, bus driver, husband, children, editors, favorite musicians, pets, pets belonging to the person you are stalking, ex-spouse, mail delivery person, lawyer, editors…
2. Shoot yourself. Suicide is laaaaame.
3. Become a serial killer. I know, I know…it’s so tempting sometimes. But jail is balls and I hear lethal injection hurts.
4. Accidentally shoot your foot, your hand, your penis, your car, your house…
5. Use your gun as a sex toy. Seriously…gross.

If you do any of these things…don’t talk about it. Do write about it, but consider adopting a pen name.

If you are reasonably certain you can avoid these pitfalls, you can find your gun at a gun store, a gun show, on craigslist, down on the corner, and occasionally at the gas station.

Once you have one gun, you’ll find it’s fairly easy to take more from all those would be assailants and bad guys. And that, will be something worth writing about.